


I Have Seen The Rain

by Ukume94



Series: Long Way To Happy [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Demonic Possession, F/M, Fear of heart break, Jumping to Conclusions, One Night Stands, Polycystic ovarian syndrome, Self-Hatred, Standing up for self, body shame, or was it?, plus size reader, self conscious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-20 11:17:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18991579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ukume94/pseuds/Ukume94





	I Have Seen The Rain

Dean, Sam and you walked into the bunker in silence still in shock from the hunt. It hadn't gone to plan, it was supposed to be quick and easy but turned out harder. Dean had his hand over his shoulder still feeling the pain from Sam popping it back into place after the demon had thrown him across the room. Sam had a cut on his eyebrow from the fight he put up when the demon went after you. Sam turns towards you as he touches Deans good shoulder to lead him to his room, silently he asks you if you're okay and of course you nod. Sam walks off with Dean and leaves you alone with your thoughts.  

Feeling the emotions start to reach the surface you decide to walk towards your room, quickly change into some comfortable PJ's and crawl in bed. Holding onto your pillow you let the tears slide down your cheeks not having to hide it any longer.

The demon had hit some spots that you had been keeping hidden for so long, you were fine when it came to him talking about your family problems. You knew your family was shitty and pushed you to moving out at such a young age so it really didn't bother you. What bothered you was when he brought up the fact that you were ashamed of yourself.

You've always been a big girl, you we're made fun of and picked on because of your weight and the way your body looked. You learned how to ignore the judgmental stares while in public and the harsh comments some of the thinner women would say. You learned to never eat in public or in front of anyone so they wouldn't say anything, you learned how to say no to certain foods and drinks. The only thing you didn't learn was how to silence the mean voices in your head.

"He was a demon, he's supposed to talk shit. You're fine." You whisper to yourself wiping off the first batch of tears from your face.

You knew that it would finally hit, your heart was crushed when you realized Sam and Dean were in the same room as you when the demon started talking about how you felt. He pushed so hard to hit home and he nailed it right on the second try.

_"You have always hated yourself, why didn't you just finish yourself off when you had the chance? Do you think the Winchesters actually like you? You know they talk about you secretly, how pathetic you are and how they wish they would have just left you all those years ago."_

"Sam and Dean would never do a thing like that." You whispered to yourself as you repeat what you had said to the demon. The tears begin to pour feeling the shame begin to settle in.

_"Are you really going to fight me on this one? I know everything (y/n) I know what they have to say and what they think. Do you want to know what Sam thinks about you?"_

A knock at your door pulls you out of your memories, wiping the tears you quickly look at yourself in the mirror to make sure you don't look like you've been crying. Grumbling to yourself with what you find you give up and walk over to the door. Opening it slowly you poke your head out to see Sam looking to the tiles on the floor with his hands in his pockets.

"Sam?" You ask as if you didn't think there was a 50/50 chance it could be one of the brothers.

"Hey" He whispers looking up to meet your eye and notices the way you look. "You've been crying."

"No, just got something in my eye. Nothing I couldn't handle." You smirk.

"Now you're lying." He says removing his hands from his pockets and uses one of them to push your bedroom door open. Taking a few steps back you let Sam in and start towards the bed.

"What's wrong?" He asks.

"Nothing Sam."

"Don't start that, I know when you have something inside your head. I know when something's bugging you." He admits taking a couple steps towards you.

"I'm fine Sam, really." You try to reassure him as you take a step forward and lift your shoulders.

"If it's nothing you wouldn't be tensing up the way you are now, also that smile you gave me wasn't a real genuine smile. Your smiles reach your eyes, that one was just your lips. Please don't keep it in, you always tell me I need to let it out so I doesn't eat me up inside. Well, I'm going to tell you the same thing." He places his large hand onto your shoulder, his thumb rubs gently making you feel your heart begin to break.

_"Sam Winchester; he has always thought you weren't good enough to be a hunter. You're not active enough, not fast enough. Too little, too chubby."_

_"He's never called me that." You shouted towards the demon._

_"Not to your face you mean." He smiled. "Now let me finish what he thinks of you." He cleared his throat as he walked around the devil's trap._

_"That (Y/n) is gonna be a problem sooner or later. Dean once said. So Sam came up with the idea of you searching for lore and answers. Haven't you ever wondered why you're never in the middle of a fire fight?"_

_"We've talked about this before, the boys and me. We made an agreement."_

_"What? As long as it doesn't involve running or heavy lifting?" He chuckled._

_"No, it's not like that."_

_"Oh my dear but it is." He stopped to watch you as you closed your eyes to think. "They've always kept you farther from them, making sure you don't have to work too hard. Wouldn't want the whale breaking a sweat now do they?" He laughed causing your feelings to begin to twist and turn as if they were on a roller coaster. "What a disappointment you have always been."_

"Just talk to me." He whispers taking you out of your head once again.

"Was the demon telling the truth?" You ask knowing you hate to ask but wanting to hear the truth.

"Whatever the demon said was a lie, he was just trying to break you."

"He did a great job at it. I haven't had my buttons pressed like that. He got into my head." You look away from his face to search the corner of your room to find something that would keep your tears back. Knowing yourself all too well if you keep looking at Sam any longer you would break.

"Dean and I are going to make sure that doesn't happen again. Tomorrow we're going to get that tattoo done on you, wanna make sure you'll never get possessed again."

Possessed?

You remembered then that you were walking towards the impala that you felt like you passed out, you remembered finding yourself on the ground and quickly dusting yourself off. For God sakes it had been weeks ago since that night.

He got to learn a lot about you, feel what you felt, saw how Sam and Dean are with you. He got to know about your hopes, dreams and nightmares.

"The hunt?" You ask.

"Was supposed to be a simple in and out with those vampires but things changed when I noticed you acting a bit strange. So of course Dean and I decided to ditch the vampires to see what we could do to make sure you were okay.

"How?"

"Devil's trap."

"What took you so long to realize?" You ask feeling worried that maybe the demon was right that the boys did try to keep their distance.

"It didn't help that you decided to keep away for a bit. I know now that it wasn't you but when you told Dean and I you wanted to be alone it was not like you but we wanted to do as you wanted." Sam answers touching your chin gently with his free hand.

_"Double chins, fat arms, wide ass, large stomach, thunder thighs, disgusting. All of it (Y/n) all of it is disgusting, you should be embarrassed."_

The demon had told you making you push Sam's hand away from your chin, God why was he still here? Why did he want to keep his hands on you.

"(Y/N)?"

"Just don't touch me, how could you want to touch someone like me?"

"What?"

"How can you touch me without grossing out? Why are you still in my room? I'm not worth it Sam."

"You sure are. I don't know what that demon told you while he was keeping you company but don't keep listening to him. You're nothing like anything he said."

"He didn't say much but what I've always felt. He just reminded me of what I am." You answer feeling the tears begin to pool.

"What's that?"

"Worthless, disgustingly fat and unwanted. Mom and dad had always been disappointed in me. I didn't look like my sister and I wasn't as beautiful as mom. I couldn't keep friends and I was never a size small. I'm not worth the attention you're giving me." You begin to cry knowing your sounding stupid, you know you sound like a cry baby but you've been holding it in for so long why not let it out.

"Stop, I don't want to hear that. I don't think any of those things (Y/N). I know you and this has never been you. When we met you and I connected quick. You always interested me and I wanted to know more about you. I liked how you were so true to yourself, never cared what anyone had to say and your adorable attitude you would give when Dean would press your buttons. I don't care that you're not a size small, that doesn't matters. It's what's inside that counts, and if you're looking for beautiful just stay the way you are cause you're fucking gorgeous."

"Why are you lying to me?" You cry.

"I wouldn't dare." Sam says trying to touch your arm but you move away.

"Sam please, get out. I don't want you in here."

"(Y/n)?"

"Get out." You shout needing to be alone just for a second.

Sam walked out of the room and closed the door softly not angry with you knowing you're needing  your space.

Taking a deep shaky breath you take a seat on your bed, your back towards the door as you think about everything Sam had said to you.

He doesn't think you're fat, he thinks you're beautiful. He likes you from the inside out and he was trying to comfort you and you just threw him out. Rolling your eyes you shake your head and begin to tear up.

"What the hell is wrong with me?" You whisper to yourself and silently cry feeling shitty that you made Sam leave after he was just trying to comfort you and make you feel better.

The sound of your door opens from behind you, knowing it was Sam you feel embarrassed to even turn to look at him. After what you did how could he want to see you let alone be in the same room as you?

"(Y/N)." Sam gently speaks as he closes your door and moves further into your room. Taking a step in front of you

He crouches down. "Listen sweetheart, I know you're afraid of letting someone in and that's okay. Just know I'll always be here to comfort you, I'll always be here to let you know that nothing will bug you again. I'm gonna be that light at the end of the dark tunnel, I'm going to be your helping hand that will lead you through your rough times. You can push me away but I'll always come right back." He finishes placing his hands onto your cheeks, wiping the tears away with his thumbs he leans in and kisses you.

Could this be happening? Sam Winchester, your best friend is kissing you? Is he really here to make you feel better? Is he helping?

Kissing him back silently answers your own questions, you may have not shown it and you may still not be showing it but you wanted this just as much as he does.

Sam lays you back onto the bed, his strong arms pushing you up so when you lay back your head in right where your pillow is. 

He kisses you again deepening the kiss, his hands begin to roam your clothed body. Touching you so slowly you started to feel embarrassed. Pulling back from the kiss to take a deep needed breath you watch Sam as he moves kisses down your body.

Starting from your chin, jawline, neck, clavicle and stops when your pj's touch his bottom lip.

Sam was making you feel so loved you didn't even realize you were taking off your own shirt, throwing it to the side of the bed he moves back down and kisses your chest, softly moving his lips against your skin he reaches the top of your bra covered breast.

How could something so simple as lips make you feel so good? From the words that come from them, to the kisses that are given?

Sam looks to you from your bra and silently asking you if it's okay to keep going. You have never had something like this happen before. No one ever wanted to be with you or even kiss you for that matter.

Sam kisses you gently on the top of your breast pulling you away from the thoughts, you close your eyes and move to sit up. Sam pulls back watching you as you move both of your arms behind you to work off the bra.

The material loosens from your shoulders and the cups. Sam leans in kissing the top of your shoulders where the straps were. You throw your bra out of the way and touch Sam for the first time tonight.

The feel of his clothed body takes you aback, how could a man with a fucking six pack want to be with a girl like you? How could he even stand to look at your awful body?

Sam's lips move down from your shoulder and begin to make their way back down your chest.

Sam pulls back and takes a look at you, his eyes roaming your body. Beginning to feel so exposed and ashamed you move your arms to start to cover up yourself.

"Stop, don't cover up." Sam whispers kissing your cheek and leaning into your ear. "You're so beautiful."

Silently you tell yourself that he was so wrong, he was just trying to make you feel better but pushing away the thoughts your place your hand on the back of his head and begin to kiss him.  Needing his lips upon yours, you run your fingers through his shaggy hair and lightly pull enjoying his magical lips.

He pulls back for breath and quickly discards of his shirt, throwing it to the side of the bed.

Undoing his belt Sam watches you as the leather comes undone and exposes the small button on his jeans.

You lay back in bed and give him a small smile. You've never felt so confident before. You would never do something so risqué.

Maybe he was right? Maybe you were beautiful? Maybe all you've ever needed was for someone to make you feel beautiful.

Sam unbuttons this jeans and lowers the zipper. Climbing out of the bed he lowers his jeans down his legs and exposes his black underpants. Sam then crawls back into bed and over you gently, kissing you softly he helps you move so your legs are on the side of him.

Fuck are you going to sleep with your best friend? Is this happening because he wants it or because you want it? Could he just need a let go?

"Are you okay with this?" He asks making you lose your thought.

Are you okay with it? He's over you already, you're both only separated by underwear material. Do you want this?

Thinking about Sam having your back since day one, the laughs you've shared and the deep conversations you've talked about. Comforting one another, Sam is your best friend and if anyone was here to be with you in such an intimate way it should be the man you've come to care for and love.

"Yeah, of course it's okay." You finally answer kissing his chin softly. Sam and you kiss again, his lips moving so gently against yours. He kisses you leaving you needing more, his hand moves to the hem of your panties and causes a small gasp to escape from your mouth.

Softly Sam pulls your panties down your bottom half, tossing them to the side of the room he begins to pull down his underwear. Afraid to look to his member you watch his face while he removes his underwear from his body and kicks them away.

You couldn't get yourself to look, which Sam seemed to understand. Without saying a word Sam leans over you making sure your legs are caging his hips.

You knew you were ready but the fear of knowing Sam was going to be inside you. It was making you a little nervous. Who were you kidding, you can feel your hands begin to shake from the nerves beginning to take over your body

Sam moves his lips towards your ear and whispers so gently chills run down your spine. "You're all I want. You're all I need. You're everything to me."

Those words fill your mind with love and respect for the man above you. So gently he kisses your lips again you accept his quiet praises as he begins to push slowly into you. Closing your eyes you let Sam make you feel so wanted, even if it was just for the night.

 

* * *

 

You awake in the morning with Sam still sleeping next to you in the bed. His arm so close he almost could touch you, starting to remember everything the both of you did last night you start to feel a bit embarrassed and disgusted with yourself and begin to move away from his sleeping body.

Sam stirs awake; his hand trying to find you on the bed but you were quicker then him. Moving off the bed you grab the top blankets and cover yourself before he could look at you.

Sam opens his eyes to search for you before seeing you standing in the middle of the room.

"What are you doing?" He asks, his eyebrows coming together in confusion.

"I... I... I'm not sure." You answer with a sigh.

"(Y/N)?"

"I think you should leave my room before Dean wakes up." You finally find some words that make more sense then just get out of my room.

"Oh, I didn't think about it." Sam answers, his voice sounding not like himself. He starts to get up but stops to reach for his underwear from the floor. Sam eyes you as he grabs the pair of cloth from the floor.

"Are you just going to stand there and watch me?" He asks.

You look away and shake your head. "No, I need to shower anyway." You answer turning around with the blanket bunching around your ankles.

"(Y/N), we didn't use anything last night." Sam says pulling you out of your awkwardness and turning in fear.

You're about to freak out until you remember you didn't actually have to worry.

"It's fine Sam, I'm on the pill anyway." You answer shrugging your shoulders as if it weren't a big deal.

"Oh I see." Sam says nodding as he stands with just his underwear on. "You do this a lot." He says sound like he's asking a question.

Squinting towards him and imagining slapping him across the face. How could he think you would do that kind of thing all the time?

"Yeah Sam, loads of it. I never tell you guys but when I'm hiding in my room I'm actually having tons and tons of sex." You shake your head trying not to sound to angry.

"Well how am I supposed to know?" He asks. "You're on the pill that means something." He adds slipping into his jeans.

"I'm only on the pill to keep me regulated." You decide to blurt out not wanting to have this conversation any longer.

"What the hell does that mean?" He asks finishing throwing on his shirt. He crosses his arms over his chest waiting to hear an answer from you.

Wanting to tell him to mind his business and walk out you think about what he could be feeling right now.

Sam didn't use protection, he's afraid of accidentally impregnating his best friend and now thinking you're on the pill for the imaginary regular sex life you have.

"I use the pill to keep my period regular. I've skipped for months at a time because I have a syndrome called PCOS. Which means polycystic ovarian syndrome. It's kinda regular with bigger women." You finally answer.

"Why didn't you tell me about it before?"

"Because it's not a big deal anymore. To me at least. I was diagnosed when I was 16. I got used to it and I always assume everyone already knows." Wrapping the blanket tighter around yourself you look down towards the tiled floor. "I also was told that it would be very hard for me to get pregnant. So that's why I'm not too worried about it." You finish with a shrug.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know." Sam says walking up towards you and placing his hand upon your blanket covered shoulder.

"It's fine really." You give a small smile. Sam your best friend slept with you last night, Sam your best friend stayed in bed with you last night, Sam your best friend is trying to make you feel better again. When will he realize you're incurable?

"Sam, Dean will be waking up soon." You start trying to not seem like your pushing him out the door but also knowing Dean if he saw Sam and you wearing the same thing you had worn yesterday he would know something was up.

"Right, okay." He nods pulling his hand off your shoulder. "If you ever need anything you know where I am." He smiles softly before cracking the door open and sliding out of your room.

Placing your hands onto your face you feel the shame sink in deep to the core of your heart. He made you feel so loved last night, showing you what it was to be beautiful and cared for. Yet you stand in your room knowing it was all an act just to have his release. No one would ever want to have you in that way for it to really mean something.

Quickly deciding to try and mask the emotions you grab a change of clothes before heading out towards the shower.

As your showering you feel tears burn your eyes, how could you let Sam in that way? How could you let anyone in and see your vulnerable side?

Wrapping your arms around yourself you let the water pour onto the back of your neck down, still feeling exposed even in your lonely state. You let the tears fall freely, how could you be so embarrassed in a empty room?

Needing to finish with the shower you quickly finish your washing and rinsing. Grabbing the towel from the side you dry yourself off and avoid the the mirror for all cost.

You quickly change into your clean clothes and wrap your hair into the towel. Getting ready for the day you finish your morning routine, finally looking into the mirror to moisturize your face you look deep into your eyes.

Silently talking with yourself you finally decide what to do, the only thing to do to protect yourself from future pain.

With that you walk out of the bathroom and towards the kitchen where the smell of bacon is cooking. Stopping just before entering the kitchen you can hear Sam and Dean talking.

"Honestly Dean, that stuff is going to kill you." Sam begins.

"Like I said before 'If bacon's what kills me, then I win.' I stay true to that statement." Dean answers followed with the sound of a crunch.

"Alright man, just trying to help."

"I didn't ask for any." He answers with his mouth full.

"Dude, you're disgusting."

You smile loving to hear them bicker, Dean always did this kind of thing just to get under Sam's skin and it always works. You take a deep breath knowing you would have to face the music some time, you mentally prepare yourself before taking a step into the kitchen.

"Well well well, look who's finally awake." Dean says after taking a drink of coffee.

Sam turns to look towards you, his eyes scanning you from top to bottom. You look away from Sam to look to his brother.

"I've been awake, just took a shower." You cross your arms over your chest. "How's your shoulder feeling?" 

"I'll live, nothing I haven't dealt with before. What about you, How are you feeling?"

"Like I've been hit by a train." You chuckle to yourself. "Nothing I can't handle."

"Well don't worry, Sam and I have been talking about it and we'll be taking you to get that tattoo done later today."

"Cool, I've always wanted a tattoo. Might as well get something that could protect me." You smile before glancing towards Sam.

He hasn't seemed to have looked away since you came into the kitchen.

"Anyway better get some food and prepare for the day ahead of us." Dean announces pointing to the food on the stove.

"I'm not hungry but thank you." You answer shaking your head and grabbing a mug and filling it up with coffee.

"How can you not be hungry?" Dean asks.

You shrug your shoulders as you go to take a drink from your coffee and make eye contact with Sam.

He knew what you were doing and he did not approve.

"It's bacon." Dean points out lifting a piece of the wavy crispy rectangle. "How could you say no to this beautiful delicious creation?"

"Cause I don't want it." You answer.

"You haven't had anything to eat since yesterday's lunch." Sam begins.

"Yeah, we know you too well You have to be hungry." Dean adds grabbing a plate from the cupboard.

"Seriously Dean, I'm not hungry so please don't give me a plate cause I won't eat it." Sam watches you as you take another drink of your coffee and grimace at the taste.

In all honesty you actually weren't hungry, food and the coffee you've been drinking just doesn't sound good to you. Sam and Dean just didn't understand that you didn't have much of an appetite.

"Any plans besides the tattoo?" You ask trying to change the subject.

"Today is recovery day. We all need to just relax and take it easy for a few days." Dean answers looking around the room for something.

"Nice, sounds good to me. I think it would be a good idea." You add before turning around and heading out of the kitchen.

"Where am I supposed to put all this food?" Dean asks once you leave the room.

The sound of a chair moving from the kitchen let's you know Sam's following you out the kitchen. You quickly make your way towards the library where you find it more relaxing then any room in the bunker.

"Hey. Talk to me." Sam gently grabs ahold of your shoulder and turns you around.

"What do you want me to say?" You ask.

Sam looks around before whispering. "Last night."

You roll your eyes. Just as you suspected he is ashamed.

"It was a one time thing Sam." You growl feeling the shame begin to sink back in.

"What?"

"I know you're embarrassed that it was me, I know I'm not the prettiest girl you've slept with but for God sakes Sam if you're so ashamed then why did you do it?" You felt the anger begin to boil within your blood.

"(Y/N) it wasn't like that."

"Clearly. Listen Sam I'm not some kind of pitty fuck, I'm not gonna go back to you when I'm feeling low and sad. That was a mistake, let's just stick as friends and nothing else."

"(Y/N)."

"Sam I really don't want to hear it. Save the excuses for those trashy women you find at the bars cause I have no time for them." You declare before walking out of the library and back towards your room.

This time you weren't sad, you didn't feel disgusted in yourself. You felt disgusted in Sam for taking advantage of your weakness the way he did.

It would take you a few days but you would get over the anger for Sam, you would continue living in the same bunker and him. You would walk around with your head held high. This was not going to keep you down.

Life would go back to being the same as it usually is.

Or so you thought.


End file.
